I'm so tired of the shame of not owning the skills and strategies that are products of safety and security.
I wish for the world to wrap its arms around me and tell me it understands why I've not achieved what I might have. To have empathy and understanding for all the errors I made or make, for they are directly related to the trauma of my childhood.
Am I a pathetic man because the trauma in my body eclipses my ability to thrive? Do you (all twelve of you that read this) want me to stop my whining and grow some massive balls? Do me a favour, answer the question honestly in the comments.
It's continually reflected to me that I am the dictator of my own destiny. Responsible for all of my activities and inactivities. But that doesn't feel right.
When my body is kidnapped by terrifying biological trauma I am practically and emotionally crippled. For me this is incapacitating. I can no longer behave or act with forms of rationale many take for granted.
Fortunately for me there is someone in my world that knows and accepts my figuratively tiny 'balls.' My partner. What a joy she is to behold.
She tells me I'm fine just as I am (now I'm trying not to cry in my favorite cafe.) She assists me with the sorting out of 'shit' that my body won't allow me to face by myself.
I'm no longer alone with my challenges. In some ways this helps redress the void my parents left.
My partner understands how 'crippled' I can be by the trauma that eats me up. She doesn't judge me for it. That's what I needed as a child, that's what we all deserve.
My partner isn't able to empathize because she was treated with dignity and respect in her childhood. Her capacity for understanding is relative to her own abusive experiences of childhood.
She knows what it's like to feel the full force of childhood abuse in adulthood. That's why she understands my struggles and it's why I can understand hers.
And herein lies a bit of a problem. What happens when someone who's experiencing the full force of trauma doesn't have support? Where is their support? From my own experience I'd say there's very little and that's just one reason we face incredible adversity.
Abuse is something that happened in my childhood. I didn't ask for it and had no way of escaping it. It has had a profound effect on my life yet my society and culture still largely ignore it.
We're still happy to watch broken suffering children become broken suffering adults whilst we (collectively) sit back and judge.
We are able to do this because those who were raised in a secure and safe environments don't have that shared experience. They simply cannot understand the incredible impact abuse can have on an individual's life.
People are stupid enough to think everyone should be able to act and behave as they do.
These are the people who thrive. The politicians, policemen, judges, bankers, teachers etc. Not all of them would have experienced functional childhoods. Some will perhaps have experienced trauma and found a way to function well enough to exist within the parameters of their chosen professions.
The difference between the those who thrive despite abuse and those that don't could be genetic. But I'd wager most of those running this ridiculous show don't come from backgrounds of chronic abuse.
However they do have the capacity to listen. Unfortunately they're still not particularly attentive. See my last article for a prime example of a judges dismissive attitude to some kids that had been abused in foster care.
The burden of having everything smashed by my father is enough for me to carry. My self esteem and confidence were obliterated. My neural circuitry altered to exist in a constant state of fear and anxiety.
On top of this I have to carry the weight of not just societies ignorance but also their judgment and shame.
When and how are we going to find a way to stop judging those abused in childhood?